I have a tendency to avoid feeling, thinking or processing the majority of my feelings or emotions. This, as you can imagine, can be counterproductive to someone who is trying to work their way through understanding their personality disorder.
Unlearning behaviours at the moment is just as important moving forward as learning new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. Don’t get me wrong, avoidance as a strategy has served me well up until now. It wasn’t until the last month that I began to understand why, I use avoidance as a means of self-preservation. Not allowing myself to feel the hardest thoughts, feelings and emotions means that I avoid triggers for self-harm.
At the same token though, it means I don’t deal with or process these thoughts, feelings and emotions, allowing them to grow and develop into bigger demons than they were to start off with. In doing so I have misdirected feelings onto those around me that I truly care about and love, which has never resulted in a good outcome.
From now I commit to:
- Accepting and attempting to understand my thoughts, feelings and emotions
- Journaling or talking through the more difficult ones with friends, family or my psychologist
- Questioning the triggers behind these thoughts, feelings and emotions and trying to understand why they appear when they do
- Developing strategies to turn these thoughts, feelings and emotions into a form of productive, rather than destructive, energy
- Limiting behaviours that encourage avoidance (video gaming, distractions) and improving behaviours that encourage questioning and understanding (mindfulness, journaling)
- Questioning and understanding what I want or need to be able to prevent these thoughts, feelings or emotions from returning in full force, and
- Being open and discussing with my support network when triggers are present and removing myself from sources of risk.