This photo is me, at this present moment in time, a moment that writes itself into my past just as quickly as it arrived as part of my future. As I begin to understand how Borderline Personality Disorder has shaped my life I sometimes get caught up in the past (how/why did that happen?) or the future (how will I get through this?). I exert a lot of my mental energy on things that I can neither change or control and it very often leads to dissociation where I completely lose any perception of the then and now.
Sometimes, there are triggers that set my mind into a flurry but in reality it can come at any moment. Most often this happens in conversation (I suddenly lose track of what someone is talking about), when I’m by myself (I lose entire periods of time to just sitting and thinking) but there are times when I will dissociate whilst driving (and completely miss a turn-off or end up speeding because I have lost focus on the task at hand).
For a long while E has been suggesting that I need to incorporate some practice of mindfulness into my daily routine and it’s taken some time but I have finally started to take it into practice. I began with some small steps, just watching and listening to the rain, trying not to let my mind wander too far. I find this helps with a sense of calm for a while but it’s definitely a struggle to keep the thoughts at bay. Another practice for me to put into place will be active listening in order to be present and attentive in conversation.
To help with the practice of mindfulness I’ve also downloaded and started to work through exercises on the Smiling Mind app. Smiling Mind contains a series of mindfulness exercises and guided meditations and is completely free. I’ve found that it helps to work through these at my own pace, and you can set reminders each day in case time slips away from you. I’m only at the start of my recovery, but I feel like I am taking some positive steps forward to a better understanding of myself and my place in the world.